Invisible Woman

There's no secret that many cultures have arranged marriages. Arranged marriages (also called pre-arranged marriage) is a marriage arranged by someone other than the person getting married, curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship. Such marriages are common in the middle East, and South Asia.

There are several variations of arranged marriages.

An introduction only arranged marriage is when the parents may only introduce their son or daughter to a potential spouse. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on , it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice. there is no set time period. This is still common in the rural parts of North/South American and especially in India.

In contrast, a traditional arranged marriage may be finalized in the first meeting. The parents or matchmaker select the pair, there is no possibility of courtship, and only limited conversation between the prospective partners is permitted (while the parents are present); then the prospective partners are expected to decide whether to proceed with the marriage. The parents may exert considerable pressure to encourage the potential bride of bridegroom to agree to the match. The parents may wish the match to proceed because the son or daughter is beginning to engage in courtship, the parents believe that they know best what kind of partner will make a happy marriage, the parents seek to fulfill the desire for a parental control, or for other reasons.

A more moderate and flexible procedure known as a modern arranged marriage is gaining popularity. Parents choose several possible candidates or employ a Matrimonial Sites. The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, confining their role to responsible facilitators and well-wishers. Less pressure to agree to the match is exerted by the parents in comparison to a traditional arranged marriage. (Information taken from wikipedia.com)

Now, I say all of that to lead into my current topic of discussion. I attended church last Sunday at the Indiranagar Methodist Church. The church was similar to many church services that you would encounter in the States. It started out with the traditional hymals led by the main choir, accompanied with an organ player and violinist. Then it transition into the more modern (guitarist, keyboardist, praise team, drummer, etc.) with clapping and hands raising. The service then proceeded as church services do: more songs, prayer, father's day tribute and finally the introduction of visitors. I stood and introduced myself and was given a pamphlet, which was the monthly bulletin for the month of June. I skimmed the pamphlet I was shocked to see a section entitled: Matrimonial.

Here are a view of the postings:

1. 29yrs, 5.4", Dip in Electroncis, working in reputed convent school. Seeks well settled groom with good family background. Contact....

2. 25yrs, 158cms. BE. Workign as Production Engineer. Seeking doctors/engineers having good Christian background. Contact...

3. 32 yrs, 5.6", M.Sc, M.Ed, Ph.d, working as Senior Lecturer-Noida, (willing to move) seeks born again well educated believer. Contact....

Wanted Bride section:

1. 30 yrs, 5.10", (B.E), workign as Development Engineer. Seeks God fearing, good looking, well settled bride. Contact....

2. 26yrs, 5.7", US educated engineer, working for Intel, B'Lore, telugu speaking seeks Christian virtuous bride (must be employed), Telugu/Kannada/Hindi/Tamil. Contact....

3. 35yrs, 5.10", B. Com+Business Management,Self employed earning good salary, seeks good Christian bride, graduate, minimum ht. 5.5", fair, slim & God loving. Contact...

Now of course there were more women seeking men (24 to 7), however, this form of "networking" for a potential spouse intrigued me. I've been having this conversation with friends who could potentially have an arranged marriage. Some are okay with it, others still hope to find romance in order to have a "love" marriage.

Having spent the last fifteen years of my life dating, I gotta wonder: maybe there's something to having your parents do the work for you. I mean, who knows me more intimately than Harold and Mary? Hell, they made me. I started thinking, what would my ad for a potential mate say. I came up with the following.

27yrs, 5.5", B.S., M.F.A graduate student seeks a Barack Obama between the age of 30-35. If you really do exist: PLEASE CONTACT ME ASAP!

lol yep, that's what it would say.

In the West, we are obsessed with the romanticized version of love. The butterflies, the gooey feelings of courtship, however, are we going about this wrong? With a 52% divorce rate (with the majority of the remaining percentile feeling trapped, tricked and miserable), one has to wonder. (Yes...yes...I know there are married couples in marital bliss, however, I'm going somewhere with this...so, bear with me.) Think about it: where has courtship gotten most of us? How many emotionally battered people do you know out there? The one's who put their heart on the line, jumped off that "you and me boo" cliff and had their face CRACKED! Oh you've seen them, you may even be one of them. You swear: I ain't EVA goin' through that shit again! And you don't. You never love with that "teenage love" again. You're tainted. Spoiled goods. Yet, you're still "dating." Why?

So, maybe having mom and dad arrange it for you is the way to go. Arranged marriages seem to last. I mean, how could they not? You would shame your entire family with the "D" word. Besides way too much work and money has gone into the process. Oh, you're going to get married and married is what you'll stay!

But I sit here knowing that in my heart love would have to exist. Maybe I'm a product of watching too many Black Hollywood love films. Who doesn't want a Jason (Jason's Lyric) to steal a bus and take you to an old museum where you eat chinese food and dance slowly to the sound of each other's heartbeat. (hey...i am a poet:) Or a Keith (Set it off) who takes you out of your ghetto reality and buys you a black gown that makes you feel so beautiful, that you carry it with you when you're in exile. And let's not forget Darius Lovehall (Love Jone's) who was able to set aside "his cool" and chase after a train for your love. As he said: I don't care about all of that. All I care about is right now...this moment...and that's urgent than a mothaf#@ka! I love you Nina.

Sigh. What can I say: I travel through life with my insides, consulting my mind only as I stop for bathroom breaks.

Logic wouldn't have gotten me to Kenya, Tanzania, Nigeria, India nor hitchhiking rides throughout Jamaica. (Ash, how crazy was that?!?)

As my girl Elle would say: Are you making those memories where you'll giggle to yourself when you're 85 G-I-A-nina?

Yes, I am:)

So, although, I have much admiration for arranged marriage, I know that for me: a resume guy just won't do.

Every country has its ghetto. No doubt about it. I've seen it in Nairobi, Lagos, Detroit, Chicago, DC, Bangalore and I'm sure I'll continue to see it as I travel.

I observed something this past weekend that really caught my attention. I was returning from my adventurous weekend with the elephants when our driver, Ravi, turned down this back alley. The alley was aligned with a series of overcrowded metal tin shacks surrounded by trash and mud. I stared out of the window as flashbacks of Nairobi came to my mind. Suddenly, I saw something that made my head tilt as I quickly sat erect. There they were: a mother and her small daughter. The child sat between the mother's legs as she combed the young girl's hair and proceeded to form two ponytails. The mother held a gentle earnest look as the young girl's mouth slowly moved as I imagined her quietly singing to herself. This image was so powerful to me.

Memories of my childhood came flooding back to me. There I was: hot and restless sitting between my mother's leg. Wanting to touch my hair to see how much longer we had to go, yet, afraid of the brown brush that may pop my knuckles. I was tired as I laid my head on her thick thighs to rest. There in between my mother's legs, I felt safe and secure. My heart smiled as I realized that these mothers, like my own, were able to create a sense of beauty and love in a world filled with hopelessness and despair.